Cubs to Fans: Pay Up Suckers

On October 5th, after the Cubs went down meekly in ignominious disgrace in the first round of the playoffs, I posted a bitter screed here forecasting the impending destruction of the planet, along with a likely Cubs ticket price increase. Well, so far, I'm right about the ticket price increase- and I'm not ruling out the Armageddon stuff either. The Cubs announced the increase last week- very strategically timed to appear in the Saturday morning newspaper- the least read paper of the week.

Its difficult to calculate the exact scale of the increase- the Cubs are being purposely vague and misleading about it. They've stated that the increase is "only 6% outside of 14 platinum games." So the Cubs have now created a fourth category of ticket prices for "platinum" games- games against the Cardinals, Mets, during holiday weekends, etc. The price hikes for the platinum games are very substantial- for example, a bleacher seat will now go for $60- a 25% increase. So the overall increase is probably something in the range of 15-20%.

So this is a big price increase in the wake of yet another disastrous playoff collapse and, in the teeth, of the country's worst recession in 34 years. Yet the Cubs spun the increases like Karl Rove would spin an indictment against the administration, absurdly claiming that "33% of tickets will remain at the same price." The headline of the article about the ticket price increases on mlb.com was actually, "Cubs freeze 33% of Ticket Prices"! http://mlb.mlb.com/news/article.jsp?ymd=20081206&content_id=3704406&vkey=news_mlb&fext=.jsp&c_id=mlb And the Chicago Tribune dutifully covered the story similarly, with the 33% freeze nonsense in the first line of their coverage, http://blogs.chicagosports.chicagotribune.com/sports_hardball/2008/12/cubs-announce-t.html Even the Chicago Sun Times got in on the act- biting on the Trib's transparent spin job, and swallowing their 33% nonsense hook, line and sinker, which is a little like running a story about a thief who steals $9,999 from someone and leaves $3,333 behind with the headline, "Victim Allowed to Keep 33% of Their Money." http://www.suntimes.com/sports/baseball/cubs/1317794,cubs-raise-ticket-prices-2009-120608.article

Are these reporters too dumb or lazy to be able to report beyond what they read in the press release the Cubs sent them? Maybe. But the more likely excuse for their pathetic reporting is the old soft coverage for acess deal. They know that if they portray the Cubs as the band of marauding, unscrupulous highway bandits that they are, they'll find it difficult to secure any interviews with players and those in the front office. But let's be real here- when do players, managers, or front office personnel ever say anything of interest to the press anyways? Is it really so critical to get that interview with so and so where he expounds on how hard he's been working and how he just wants to take it one game at a time and give 110% and so forth? Spare me- i'd rather have a real journalist who tells us the truth and doesn't have access to the prima-donnas who don't say a damn thing of interest anyways.

The Cubs have the second most expensive tickets in baseball- the Red Sox- who have the most expensive seats- announced that they will not hike prices for the first time in 14 years due to the recession. And let's not forget that these folks have taken home 2 trophies recently. And what new players have the Cubs added to their roster in the off-season to justify another price hike? Let's see: a downgrade in the bullpen with Kevin Gregg (3.41 ERA/29 Saves/MLB leading 9 Blown Saves/37 BB/58 K's) replacing Kerry Wood (3.26 ERA/34 Saves/6 Blown Saves/18 BB/ 84 K's) and, drum roll please, Chad Fox. Chad Freaking Fox people- yes- rush out now and get those season tickets, Chad Fox will be taking the mound next year! Can't you see the t-shirt hawkers outside Wrigely now with shirts which say, "I'm a Fox!" And those with the old "We Got Wood" t-shirts, will now need to trade them in for "We Settled For Gregg" ones.

The Cubs raised ticket prices by 23% prior to last season and the public responded by turning out in record numbers- more than 3.3 million fans walked through the turnstiles. (And approximately 2.9 million of them left the ballpark drunk off their asses) The point is that people are desperate to attend Cubs games. No visit to Chicago in the summertime by every dork from Omaha to Arkansas is complete without the obligatory trip to Wrigley. Desperation, ignorance, and too much disposable income or access to credit all feed into the evil and diabolical plans of Cubs management, who would like nothing more than to charge $1,000,000 per ticket if they could get away with it.

Admit it, this is a stinking, rotting, corpse of a franchise. Yes, I know, the ticket brokers (of which the Tribune company owns the largest one) often get far more than face value for Cubs tickets- it's a scam perpetrated on dumb asses who probably deserve to be fleeced anyways. So I come around to this point then to Cubs team management: fine, increase your prices as much as you like- make the tickets so completely unaffordable that only the rich can attend games. Replace the hot dogs and beer at the concession stands with champagne and caviar. Bring in Robin Leach to sing during the 7th inning stretch.

I just don't care any more, because what I'd like more than anything else, is for Cubs fans to just stay away. Let attendance and revenues dwindle. Put Alfonso "Cubs Fans Should Have Patience" Soriano and the other overpaid millionaires on the bread line. Stop signing free agents. What will happen? The team will continue to NOT win the World Series. So what? Perhaps then we can be like the Tampa Rays, and at least have some fun watching young players at more reasonable prices.

Note: I dedicate this column to the most loyal Cubs fan in St. Louis, Mr. Ian "I Still Believe in the Inherit Righteousness of the Cubs" Caso, who wants Cubs ticket prices to be raised as much as possible, because he lives in St. Louis and doesn't attend games anyways, and foolishly believes that the Cubs will use the money to pursue studs like Jake Peavy and Brian Roberts.

Felix Pie's Twisted Testicle

Today's Chicago Tribune features an article with the headline, "New Twist in Center Field- Pie has minor Surgery," which informs us that Pie is suffering from a "twisted testicle". Apparently, Pie (pronounced Pee-ay) had surgery which involved, "sewing the outer layer of the testicle to the scrotum wall," to correct the problem. The Trib reports that Pie is likely to miss 3-5 days- presumably so he can rest his testicles. Now I know that Cubs fans have a right to know if one of their players is injured- but honestly- do we really need this level of detail? Personally, I want to read about Pie scaling Wrigley's ivy-adorned walls to catch fly balls, I don't want to read about his scrotum walls.

Why don't the Cubs tell us that Pie has the flu? Do I really need to know about Pie's twisted testicles and his scrotum wall? Honestly, folks, here is a team that consistently has lied to its fan base about critical injuries to its franchise pitching stars- namely Wood and Prior-yet, now, when it comes to a twisted testicle, they want to disclose all the gory details for us? As a Cubs fan, I have enough to worry about what with the weight of 100 years of losing on our collective shoulders, I really cannot concern myself with a minor testicle injury that is only going to cost the guy less than a week.

Note: The Trib might have come to its senses, because this article does not currently appear on the Trib website, despite the fact that it is on page 3 of today's sports section.