Cubs Clinch Another Early Winter Vacation

So the Cubs have choked again- getting swept in the first round of the playoffs for the second consecutive season- where is the news story there, you ask? But this year, like so many other years before it, was supposed to be “the year”. “This is the Year” the signs and t-shirts, and endless Ron Santo audio clips on WGN said. This year, however, turned out to be just like the previous 99 years as the underachieving Cubs, who led the National League with 97 wins, went down meekly to a Dodgers team that, had it been in the Cubs division would have finished 5th with 84 wins.

For me, the most disturbing part of this most recent Cubbie collapse is that there will be no consequences for those responsible for this debacle. The Cubs players- nearly all of them multi-millionaires- will retreat to the Sun Belt and Latin America to enjoy the winter in their luxury homes with their trophy wives, far away from their disgusted and disappointed fans that have nothing to look forward to now, other than visions of some other teams fans celebrating a world championship and a long, cold, dark Chicago winter. Does the fact that I hope that all the Cub players catch venereal diseases and become impotent in the offseason make me a bad person?

Why is it that the players sound a lot more upbeat than their fans right now? I wonder if it could be that their only punishment for losing is that they now have the next four months off? If the only consequence you had for failing miserably at your job was that you got to start an already long vacation a few weeks early, you'd be feeling pretty good too, wouldn't you?

Many Cubs fans will now swear off the team- vowing to kick their Cubs habit once and for all, after this latest heartbreak, but its not going to happen. A few weeks from now, Cubs Inc will announce yet another ticket price increase, and everyone will piss and moan, but come February, the same people will be paying through the nose to the scores of ticket brokers who have cornered the market for Cubs tickets. The previous two years of playoff embarrassments, or the other 98 years of playoff futility won’t matter, nor will it matter that the Cubs will stand by and watch idly as the other big market clubs sopp up the best free agents on the market. The more this team loses, the more popular it gets.

Other teams in a similar position would feel the need to hold off on ticket price increases, sign big free agents, and issue mea culpas to placate their angry fans. Not the Cubs- they know that there are no consequences for failure in Cubbieland. Alfonso Soriano, the Cubs left fielder, who made $14,000,000 this year, and was 1-14 in the losing effort, reportedly said that Cubs fans need to” be patient.” This from the man whose idea of patience at the plate is not swinging if the ball is thrown into one of the dugouts.

Still, even if real Cubs fans decided to boycott the Wrigley carnival- even for a day- it wouldn’t matter, because Wrigley is stop number one for every tourist, conventioneer, and businessperson passing through town. Everyone wants a piece of the cliché- the posed photo in front of the Harry Caray statue, the overpriced warm cans of Miller Lite at Murphy’s Bleachers, the drunken sorority girls in the bleachers, and the 7th inning stretch sing along. If they don’t win it’s a shame, but it doesn’t matter much either, does it? So what is to be done about this, to borrow a phrase from the Iranian president, “stinking corpse” of a franchise? I would lobby for the following clauses to be added to Cubs players contracts.

After each losing season, players must do the following:

§ Remain in Chicago to suffer through the bitter winter amongst their angry and frustrated fans.
§ Volunteer as bar-backs in Wrigleyville bars, clearing away the detritus left behind by their embittered fans.
§ Donate a hefty portion of their fat salaries to mental health facilities that treat Cubs fans.

Feel free to add your own suggestions to this list.

Felix Pie's Twisted Testicle

Today's Chicago Tribune features an article with the headline, "New Twist in Center Field- Pie has minor Surgery," which informs us that Pie is suffering from a "twisted testicle". Apparently, Pie (pronounced Pee-ay) had surgery which involved, "sewing the outer layer of the testicle to the scrotum wall," to correct the problem. The Trib reports that Pie is likely to miss 3-5 days- presumably so he can rest his testicles. Now I know that Cubs fans have a right to know if one of their players is injured- but honestly- do we really need this level of detail? Personally, I want to read about Pie scaling Wrigley's ivy-adorned walls to catch fly balls, I don't want to read about his scrotum walls.

Why don't the Cubs tell us that Pie has the flu? Do I really need to know about Pie's twisted testicles and his scrotum wall? Honestly, folks, here is a team that consistently has lied to its fan base about critical injuries to its franchise pitching stars- namely Wood and Prior-yet, now, when it comes to a twisted testicle, they want to disclose all the gory details for us? As a Cubs fan, I have enough to worry about what with the weight of 100 years of losing on our collective shoulders, I really cannot concern myself with a minor testicle injury that is only going to cost the guy less than a week.

Note: The Trib might have come to its senses, because this article does not currently appear on the Trib website, despite the fact that it is on page 3 of today's sports section.