Do You Live At Borders?

I like to browse through the books and magazines as much as the next guy, but, has anyone else noticed that some people take the whole Borders browsing experience just a tad too far? I lived within walking distance of a Borders, and I stop by probably once or twice a week, and have come to notice that there are at least two people that appear to actually LIVE in the store. Of course, I cannot be certain that they are always there, but I have never been to the store at any time of day or night, when these two men AREN'T at the store. Presumably the staff boots them out at closing time, but who knows, the staff members appear to have such a laissez faire attitude that I cannot be entirely sure.

Borders guy #1 has long, greasy gray hair, and appears to carry all of his belongings with him in an army surplus store canvas bag. I won't call him homeless, because, as I said before, he appears to live at Borders. He also wears the same kind of New Balance sneakers that I do- only his are whiter and in better condition than mine. Borders Guy 1 always sits at the far left of a row of four plush comfortable black leather seats. The thing that I like about him is that he always his nose in a book, whereas the homeless guy that lives at our local library does nothing but sleep.

Borders guy #2 is a lot more annoying. He's an older man, overweight but not morbidly obese, and seems to be a pensionier rather than a homeless drifter, so he doesn't carry all of his belongings with him. That said, he takes up more space and always has more stuff with him than guy #1. Guy 2 can almost always be found blocking all of the fiction authors whose name begins with the letter P. If he's not there, he's usually camped out in the cafe with his collection of bags and paraphanalia. Lest you conclude that he is a paying customer that patronizes the cafe- fear not- guy 2 brings his own meals and drinks, and unashamadely unwraps and eats them in the cafe, as though it were a student canteen.

The annoying thing about guy #2 is that if you come near his area he gets visibly annoyed, and often loudly harummphs if you piss him off. One time I was pushing my son Leo through the store and the stroller bumped the upright chair he sits on, and guy 2 audibly tsk'd, as though we had ruined his whole day. Moments later when my son farted, I saw him shaking his head in disgust. Try to look at books behind his fat ass and he grows visibly disturbed.

There are a few basic rules of ettiqete that I think everyone should observe at the big box bookstores...

1. Please don't ever take your filthy shoes off and prop your rank-ass feet anywhere.
2. Do you have to read the local paper? Really, the damn thing is 50 cents, please. Bring your damn cheap ass down to the library if you can't bust out the quarters.
3. At least bring your own damned cutlery if you plan to bring your own meal to the cafe.
4. Feel free to get off that comfy chair every now and again- start with getting off it for important family functions like weddings and funerals and work your way up from there. Remember, there are only like 5 good chairs in the whole store, and lots of assholes like you out there.
5. If you start to notice that you are looking as unkempt as the employees, its time to re-think how much time you are spending at Borders.

All of this chatter about ne'er do wells at Borders, has me thinking about a radical idea. What if municipalities with over-crowded prisons were authorized to drop petty thieves, street hookers, loiterers, low level drug mules and other public nuisances off at Borders each day. Would they become better people if they were allowed to spend their days browsing for books and magazines or would Borders just become a really dangerous and unpleasant place to shop in?