Leo Expands His Vocabulary

I swear too much, and now my 23 month old son, Leo does too. I should be ashamed, but when I hear the words and see his angelic face, it’s awfully hard not to feel some pride. I’ve tried hard to curb my language in the presence of my son- but some people drive me over the edge. The other day I was on the phone with our health insurance company, Aetna, trying to renew a prescription. Believe me when I tell you that I would rather be a prisoner at Abu Ghraib circa 2004 than deal with Aetna regarding even the most trifling issue, and this instance was no different. The Aetna rep was trying to convince me- with all of the zeal of a Hitler Youth Group member- that my prescription- which is normally a $150 co-pay, should be $525. And 96 cents. At some point during our conversation, she elected to try to pawn me off on someone else. A common tactic for these types of scoundrels.

I listened to Bach for 35 minutes, preparing to battle with one of her colleagues, and then finally silence. Then the loud cacophony of that indescribable noise you hear when you’ve been disconnected. “F**K YOU!” I shouted into the receiver. Leo wasn’t in the room, but I was loud enough for him to hear me, and for the next hour or so, he sauntered around the house saying the same thing, but in a much cuter and provocative way. He’d say the first word like someone from South Boston, faahk, and would drag out the YOOOOOOOUUUUU, and then smile broadly, knowing that he was saying something naughty. Its funny, but when you strip away all of the customary anger from the phrase, and say it with a big smile, the words lose their normal connotation. My wife, Jen, however, was not nearly as amused by this as I was. We had to quarantine the boy in the house until he stopped saying it for fear that we’d lose custody of him when some over-officious soccer mom from our all too busybody neighborhood was told to f’ off by my charming 23 month old son.

On another recent occasion the word for the day was “bullshit.” Everything was “BOOOL-SHEEET!” It was so damn funny, I had to record the moment for posterity.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXOFQsEwAbI Even while the camera rolled my wife was telling him it wasn’t a good word to say. His response? “BULLSHIT!” I guess the pride that I feel in him is bizarre- and my poor parenting here is something that could come back to haunt us when he tries to send us his therapy bills as an adult. But for now, I’m OK with letting my son imitate some of my less than truly outstanding character traits. Though I have to admit the one trait of mine he apes which is not amusing is his picky eating. The boy's diet is about as diverse as a Klu Klux Klan meeting in North Dakota. Perhaps though, Leo will inspire me to eat better and clean up my act. But don’t f*!ing count on it.