The Republican National Committee has reportedly spent over $150,000 on Sarah Palin’s outfits, hair and nails over the last couple months, according to this story on Politico, http://www.politico.com/news/stories/1008/14805.html What was it that Obama was saying a few weeks ago about trying to put lipstick on a pig? Does it really matter how you look when you are making statements this ignorant?
“All of 'em, any of 'em that have been in front of me over all these years." --Sarah Palin, unable to name a single newspaper or magazine she reads, interview with Katie Couric, CBS News, Oct. 1, 2008
(clip: XJ&sdn=politicalhumor&cdn=entertainment&tm=54&gps=532_406_1276_868&f=00&su=p504.1.336.ip_&tt=2&bt=0&bts=0&zu=http%3A//www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/09/30/sarah-palin-answers-what_n_130706.html)
“Pray for our military men and women who are striving to do what is right. Also, for this country, that our leaders, our national leaders, are sending soldiers out on a task that is from God. That's what we have to make sure that we're praying for, that there is a plan and that that plan is God's plan." –Sarah Pailn, on the Iraq war, speaking to students at the Wasilla Assembly of God, June 2008
(clip: http://politicalhumor.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?zi=1/XJ&sdn=politicalhumor&cdn=entertainment&tm=161&gps=337_655_1276_868&f=00&su=p504.1.336.ip_&tt=2&bt=0&bts=0&zu=http%3A//www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3D9H-btXPfhGs)
“T]hey're in charge of the U.S. Senate so if they want to they can really get in there with the senators and make a lot of good policy changes that will make life better for Brandon and his family and his classroom." --Sarah Palin, getting the vice president's constitutional role wrong after being asked by a third grader what the vice president does, interview with NBC affiliate KUSA in Colorado, Oct. 21, 2008
(clip: http://politicalhumor.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?zi=1/XJ&sdn=politicalhumor&cdn=entertainment&tm=225&gps=448_840_1276_868&f=00&su=p504.1.336.ip_&tt=2&bt=0&bts=0&zu=http%3A//www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3Dl40nrw3V3GA)
"As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where– where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border." --Sarah Palin, explaining why Alaska's proximity to Russia gives her foreign policy experience, interview with CBS's Katie Couric, Sept. 24, 2008
(clip: http://politicalhumor.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?zi=1/XJ&sdn=politicalhumor&cdn=entertainment&tm=317&gps=328_86_1276_868&f=00&su=p504.1.336.ip_&tt=2&bt=0&bts=0&zu=http%3A//www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/09/25/palin-talks-russia-with-k_n_129318.html)
"We believe that the best of America is not all in Washington, D.C. ... We believe that the best of America is in these small towns that we get to visit, and in these wonderful little pockets of what I call the real America, being here with all of you hard working very patriotic, um, very, um, pro-America areas of this great nation." --Sarah Palin, speaking at a fundraiser in Greensoboro, N.C., Oct. 16, 2008
"I'm very, very pleased to be cleared of any legal wrongdoing ... any hint of any kind of unethical activity there. Very pleased to be cleared of any of that." --Sarah Palin, after an Alaska legislative report found she had broken the state's ethics law and abused her power in the Troopergate scandal, conference call with Alaska reporters, Oct. 12, 2008
Katie Couric: "What other Supreme Court decisions do you disagree with?"
Sarah Palin: "Well, let's see. There's --of course --in the great history of America rulings there have been rulings, there's never going to be absolute consensus by every American. And there are -- those issues, again, like Roe v Wade where I believe are best held on a state level and addressed there. So you know -- going through the history of America, there would be others but--"
Couric: "Can you think of any?"
Palin: "Well, I could think of -- of any again, that could be best dealt with on a more local level. Maybe I would take issue with. But you know, as mayor, and then as governor and even as a Vice President, if I'm so privileged to serve, wouldn't be in a position of changing those things but in supporting the law of the land as it reads today." --unable to name any Supreme Court decisions other than Roe v. Wade, CBS News interview, Oct. 1, 2008
"But ultimately what the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the healthcare reform that is needed to help shore up our economy." --Sarah Palin, explaining the $700 billion government bailout of Wall Street to Karie Couric, CBS News interview, Sept. 24, 2008
"Perhaps so." --Sarah Palin, when asked if we may need to go to war with Russia because of the Georgia crisis, ABC News interview, Sept. 11, 2008
"You'll be there to defend the innocents from the enemies who planned and carried out and rejoiced in the deaths of thousands of Americans." --Sarah Palin, linking the Iraq war the 9/11 attacks while addressing U.S. soldiers shipping off to Iraq, Fairbanks, Alaska, Sept. 11, 2008
“I'll try to find you some and I'll bring them to you." --Sarah Palin, asked by Katie Couric to cite specific examples of how John McCain has pushed for more regulation in his 26 years in the Senate, CBS interview, Sept. 24, 2008
"Absolutely. Yup, yup." --Sarah Palin after being asked by People magazine if she was ready to be a heartbeat away from the presidency
“GIBSON: We talk on the anniversary of 9/11. Why do you think those hijackers attacked? Why did they want to hurt us?
PALIN: You know, there is a very small percentage of Islamic believers who are extreme and they are violent and they do not believe in American ideals, and they attacked us and now we are at a point here seven years later, on the anniversary, in this post-9/11 world, where we're able to commit to never again. They see that the only option for them is to become a suicide bomber, to get caught up in this evil, in this terror. They need to be provided the hope that all Americans have instilled in us, because we're a democratic, we are a free, and we are a free-thinking society. "
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Work is Overrated
Having a job gives one a handy response when people ask you "what do you do?" and the biweekly paychecks certainly come in handy, but other than that, isn't gainful employment a bit overrated? First of all, who decided that the ratio of work days to play days should be 5 versus 2? If you were drawing up plans for a perfect world, is this the formula you would use?
Osama to Endorse Obama
There are only a few possible things that could keep Obama out of the White House at this point.
1. Osama endorses Obama- you know this is coming right? Bin Laden is going to put his scraggly ass back in front of the camera and make some kind of statement where he either bluntly or subtely states some preference for Obama to win the election. Not because Osama actually wants Obama to win, mind you, just the opposite. If we elect a black man whose father was a muslim, that undermines their claim that we are an intolerant country that wants to wage a crusade against Islam. (Never mind the fact that our policies in the Middle East are appaling and the fact that many Americans do fear and hate Islam) No, Osama wants to have another trigger happy cowboy who talks tough and antagonizes the rest of the world. That would be John Sideny "Bomb, Bomb, Bomb, Bomb, Bomb Iran" McCain.
An Osama tape release of any kind, no matter what the message would be bad for Obama, the man who "pals around with terrorists", according to Sarah Palin and other illiterate fearmongers in the Republican party, your local trailer park experts, and people who travel the NASCAR circuit. For all of the rhetoric about Obama being a terrorist lover, you'd think that Osama was actually on his ticket. Please Osama, don't do it. No tapes please.
2. Obama gets caught on tape balling Joe the Plumber's Wife
3. Lewinsky has another stained dress in her closed with Obama's DNA on it
4. Obama gets caught playing footsie in adjoining bathroom stalls with Bill Ayers
5. Obama announces that the Rev. Jeremiah Wright would be his choice for Secretary of Homeland Security or would swear him in and sing the national anthem at his inauguration
6. Michelle Obama is caught in a state of undress in the back of Joe the Plumber's van
7. Barrack pulls a Boutrous Boutrous Ghali and changes his first name to Hussein, making him Hussein Hussein Obama
8. Sarah Palin does an interview in which she manages to sound literate
9. The McCain campaign ceases its usage of the following phrases, "my friends", "i know how to...", "we're mavericks", "take on the good old boy network", and "shining city on a hill"
10. Prior to casting his ballot on election day, Obama rolls out a prayer matt and kneels down to pray in the direction of Mecca
1. Osama endorses Obama- you know this is coming right? Bin Laden is going to put his scraggly ass back in front of the camera and make some kind of statement where he either bluntly or subtely states some preference for Obama to win the election. Not because Osama actually wants Obama to win, mind you, just the opposite. If we elect a black man whose father was a muslim, that undermines their claim that we are an intolerant country that wants to wage a crusade against Islam. (Never mind the fact that our policies in the Middle East are appaling and the fact that many Americans do fear and hate Islam) No, Osama wants to have another trigger happy cowboy who talks tough and antagonizes the rest of the world. That would be John Sideny "Bomb, Bomb, Bomb, Bomb, Bomb Iran" McCain.
An Osama tape release of any kind, no matter what the message would be bad for Obama, the man who "pals around with terrorists", according to Sarah Palin and other illiterate fearmongers in the Republican party, your local trailer park experts, and people who travel the NASCAR circuit. For all of the rhetoric about Obama being a terrorist lover, you'd think that Osama was actually on his ticket. Please Osama, don't do it. No tapes please.
2. Obama gets caught on tape balling Joe the Plumber's Wife
3. Lewinsky has another stained dress in her closed with Obama's DNA on it
4. Obama gets caught playing footsie in adjoining bathroom stalls with Bill Ayers
5. Obama announces that the Rev. Jeremiah Wright would be his choice for Secretary of Homeland Security or would swear him in and sing the national anthem at his inauguration
6. Michelle Obama is caught in a state of undress in the back of Joe the Plumber's van
7. Barrack pulls a Boutrous Boutrous Ghali and changes his first name to Hussein, making him Hussein Hussein Obama
8. Sarah Palin does an interview in which she manages to sound literate
9. The McCain campaign ceases its usage of the following phrases, "my friends", "i know how to...", "we're mavericks", "take on the good old boy network", and "shining city on a hill"
10. Prior to casting his ballot on election day, Obama rolls out a prayer matt and kneels down to pray in the direction of Mecca
The Hazards of Public Transportation in Chicago
When I used to work in sales, I had no option but to drive to and from work, and I used to dream of a less stressful commute aboard public transportation. I had visions of a nice comfortable seat, perhaps some music or a podcast playing on my ipod, and a morning paper or a good book to brighten my mood on my way into work or home. These days I commute via the “L” , Chicago’s T, tube, subway, whatever you prefer to call it, and I can confirm that my earlier notions of public transport bliss were woefully naïve.
First of all, for those who drive, its easy to forget that there is a reason why the word “public” appears pretty prominently in the phrase “public transportation.” If you aren’t particularly fond of the public I can’t really recommend public transportation, because riding the rails exposes one to the unwashed masses and all of the problems that arise when trying to cope with mankind’s irritating habits. These days, there are a hell of a lot of people using public transportation, and on any one el car you are likely to encounter the following types of people and situations:
1. Cell phone users- I understand the occasional need to make phone calls while riding the L, but when people are crammed into close quarters, is it really necessary to have LENGTHY conversations at a volume so loud, that everyone in the nearby vicinity is unable to concentrate on their book, magazine or newspaper? The other day, I was within about two feet of a woman that was practically screaming in Russian, no less, into her cell phone for the entire length of my ride- 30- minutes. In fact, when we arrived at the final stop on the line, where I got out, she sat still in her seat and continued to scream into her phone. No amount of dirty looks or audible sighs diminished her volume in any way. I imagine that she continued her performance for those boarding the train and heading back into the city. It’s even worse when the offenders- who are usually, though not always women- are speaking English. “She said what?” “that bitch!” “he wasn’t copied on the e-mail? That’s bullshit- she’s always cc’ing my boss whenever I do anything wrong!” I can’t tell you how frequently I am subjected to these kinds of conversations and have to give up on whatever book I am trying to read. Last week I encountered a man, old enough to know better, who was- get this- hollering into his cellphone while it was on speakerphone on a very crowded train. So we were all subjected not only to his inane ramblings, but the equally inspid retorts of the woman he was speaking to.
2. Mobile DJ’s- There was once a time in our history when, if you wanted to inflict your taste in music on others, you had to carry around a massive ghetto blaster, but today all you need is an ipod nano and you can subject half a train car full of people to your horrific taste in music. I notice that people who like to blast music in their headphones like to sit down next to someone like me that has his nose buried in a book, rather than sitting next to the cell phone users. You can give them all the dirty looks you want, you can even cover your ears ostentatiously, but they aren’t going to lower their music.
3. Space invaders- No delicate way to put this- public transport is getting more and more crowded, but people’s asses aren’t getting any less gigantic. But do those with ass cheeks so spacious that they take up 1.5 seats, choose to stand? Hell no.
4. Captive Audiences- There are lots of people on the L in Chicago that are: a) “just trying to get something to eat”, b) “here to tell you that the Lord Jesus Christ is your savior, or c) “trying to raise money for their church/school/drug habit by selling these delicious M & M’s”
5. When the hell will the train leave?- I’ve been studying the pattern of when the L comes and goes in the morning on the green and blue lines each day for the last several weeks, each morning I jot down what time my train actually departs from the station. I can now conclude, with a reasonable degree of accuracy, that there is absolutely no pattern whatsoever.
6. Should I run to catch it or walk?- Each morning that I take the green line into the city, I am faced with a choice as I get up to the platform- should I run, jog, or walk towards the train? For some unknown reason, the train, which starts at my station and is usually sitting idle when I get there, is always parked a very long way down the platform. There is only a very brief chime before the doors close and one never knows when that can happen, so you can be nonchalant and stroll down the platform towards the train, but you might be standing there as the doors shut in your face. Or you can run and look like a jackass when you board the train, out of breath, and then just sit there for 10 minutes while the doors remain wide open. The choice is up to you.
7. We appreciate your patience- CTA (Chicago Transit Authority) is constantly telling you how much they “appreciate your patience” at the most inopportune times. I find that whenever I am cursing the damn, mother&*^&*^&*(^! train, I am usually being thanked for being so patient.
First of all, for those who drive, its easy to forget that there is a reason why the word “public” appears pretty prominently in the phrase “public transportation.” If you aren’t particularly fond of the public I can’t really recommend public transportation, because riding the rails exposes one to the unwashed masses and all of the problems that arise when trying to cope with mankind’s irritating habits. These days, there are a hell of a lot of people using public transportation, and on any one el car you are likely to encounter the following types of people and situations:
1. Cell phone users- I understand the occasional need to make phone calls while riding the L, but when people are crammed into close quarters, is it really necessary to have LENGTHY conversations at a volume so loud, that everyone in the nearby vicinity is unable to concentrate on their book, magazine or newspaper? The other day, I was within about two feet of a woman that was practically screaming in Russian, no less, into her cell phone for the entire length of my ride- 30- minutes. In fact, when we arrived at the final stop on the line, where I got out, she sat still in her seat and continued to scream into her phone. No amount of dirty looks or audible sighs diminished her volume in any way. I imagine that she continued her performance for those boarding the train and heading back into the city. It’s even worse when the offenders- who are usually, though not always women- are speaking English. “She said what?” “that bitch!” “he wasn’t copied on the e-mail? That’s bullshit- she’s always cc’ing my boss whenever I do anything wrong!” I can’t tell you how frequently I am subjected to these kinds of conversations and have to give up on whatever book I am trying to read. Last week I encountered a man, old enough to know better, who was- get this- hollering into his cellphone while it was on speakerphone on a very crowded train. So we were all subjected not only to his inane ramblings, but the equally inspid retorts of the woman he was speaking to.
2. Mobile DJ’s- There was once a time in our history when, if you wanted to inflict your taste in music on others, you had to carry around a massive ghetto blaster, but today all you need is an ipod nano and you can subject half a train car full of people to your horrific taste in music. I notice that people who like to blast music in their headphones like to sit down next to someone like me that has his nose buried in a book, rather than sitting next to the cell phone users. You can give them all the dirty looks you want, you can even cover your ears ostentatiously, but they aren’t going to lower their music.
3. Space invaders- No delicate way to put this- public transport is getting more and more crowded, but people’s asses aren’t getting any less gigantic. But do those with ass cheeks so spacious that they take up 1.5 seats, choose to stand? Hell no.
4. Captive Audiences- There are lots of people on the L in Chicago that are: a) “just trying to get something to eat”, b) “here to tell you that the Lord Jesus Christ is your savior, or c) “trying to raise money for their church/school/drug habit by selling these delicious M & M’s”
5. When the hell will the train leave?- I’ve been studying the pattern of when the L comes and goes in the morning on the green and blue lines each day for the last several weeks, each morning I jot down what time my train actually departs from the station. I can now conclude, with a reasonable degree of accuracy, that there is absolutely no pattern whatsoever.
6. Should I run to catch it or walk?- Each morning that I take the green line into the city, I am faced with a choice as I get up to the platform- should I run, jog, or walk towards the train? For some unknown reason, the train, which starts at my station and is usually sitting idle when I get there, is always parked a very long way down the platform. There is only a very brief chime before the doors close and one never knows when that can happen, so you can be nonchalant and stroll down the platform towards the train, but you might be standing there as the doors shut in your face. Or you can run and look like a jackass when you board the train, out of breath, and then just sit there for 10 minutes while the doors remain wide open. The choice is up to you.
7. We appreciate your patience- CTA (Chicago Transit Authority) is constantly telling you how much they “appreciate your patience” at the most inopportune times. I find that whenever I am cursing the damn, mother&*^&*^&*(^! train, I am usually being thanked for being so patient.
McCain Knows How to Get Bin Laden
But he's not telling. Not unless you elect him president. What a patriot!
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Cubs Clinch Another Early Winter Vacation
So the Cubs have choked again- getting swept in the first round of the playoffs for the second consecutive season- where is the news story there, you ask? But this year, like so many other years before it, was supposed to be “the year”. “This is the Year” the signs and t-shirts, and endless Ron Santo audio clips on WGN said. This year, however, turned out to be just like the previous 99 years as the underachieving Cubs, who led the National League with 97 wins, went down meekly to a Dodgers team that, had it been in the Cubs division would have finished 5th with 84 wins.
For me, the most disturbing part of this most recent Cubbie collapse is that there will be no consequences for those responsible for this debacle. The Cubs players- nearly all of them multi-millionaires- will retreat to the Sun Belt and Latin America to enjoy the winter in their luxury homes with their trophy wives, far away from their disgusted and disappointed fans that have nothing to look forward to now, other than visions of some other teams fans celebrating a world championship and a long, cold, dark Chicago winter. Does the fact that I hope that all the Cub players catch venereal diseases and become impotent in the offseason make me a bad person?
Why is it that the players sound a lot more upbeat than their fans right now? I wonder if it could be that their only punishment for losing is that they now have the next four months off? If the only consequence you had for failing miserably at your job was that you got to start an already long vacation a few weeks early, you'd be feeling pretty good too, wouldn't you?
Many Cubs fans will now swear off the team- vowing to kick their Cubs habit once and for all, after this latest heartbreak, but its not going to happen. A few weeks from now, Cubs Inc will announce yet another ticket price increase, and everyone will piss and moan, but come February, the same people will be paying through the nose to the scores of ticket brokers who have cornered the market for Cubs tickets. The previous two years of playoff embarrassments, or the other 98 years of playoff futility won’t matter, nor will it matter that the Cubs will stand by and watch idly as the other big market clubs sopp up the best free agents on the market. The more this team loses, the more popular it gets.
Other teams in a similar position would feel the need to hold off on ticket price increases, sign big free agents, and issue mea culpas to placate their angry fans. Not the Cubs- they know that there are no consequences for failure in Cubbieland. Alfonso Soriano, the Cubs left fielder, who made $14,000,000 this year, and was 1-14 in the losing effort, reportedly said that Cubs fans need to” be patient.” This from the man whose idea of patience at the plate is not swinging if the ball is thrown into one of the dugouts.
Still, even if real Cubs fans decided to boycott the Wrigley carnival- even for a day- it wouldn’t matter, because Wrigley is stop number one for every tourist, conventioneer, and businessperson passing through town. Everyone wants a piece of the cliché- the posed photo in front of the Harry Caray statue, the overpriced warm cans of Miller Lite at Murphy’s Bleachers, the drunken sorority girls in the bleachers, and the 7th inning stretch sing along. If they don’t win it’s a shame, but it doesn’t matter much either, does it? So what is to be done about this, to borrow a phrase from the Iranian president, “stinking corpse” of a franchise? I would lobby for the following clauses to be added to Cubs players contracts.
After each losing season, players must do the following:
§ Remain in Chicago to suffer through the bitter winter amongst their angry and frustrated fans.
§ Volunteer as bar-backs in Wrigleyville bars, clearing away the detritus left behind by their embittered fans.
§ Donate a hefty portion of their fat salaries to mental health facilities that treat Cubs fans.
Feel free to add your own suggestions to this list.
For me, the most disturbing part of this most recent Cubbie collapse is that there will be no consequences for those responsible for this debacle. The Cubs players- nearly all of them multi-millionaires- will retreat to the Sun Belt and Latin America to enjoy the winter in their luxury homes with their trophy wives, far away from their disgusted and disappointed fans that have nothing to look forward to now, other than visions of some other teams fans celebrating a world championship and a long, cold, dark Chicago winter. Does the fact that I hope that all the Cub players catch venereal diseases and become impotent in the offseason make me a bad person?
Why is it that the players sound a lot more upbeat than their fans right now? I wonder if it could be that their only punishment for losing is that they now have the next four months off? If the only consequence you had for failing miserably at your job was that you got to start an already long vacation a few weeks early, you'd be feeling pretty good too, wouldn't you?
Many Cubs fans will now swear off the team- vowing to kick their Cubs habit once and for all, after this latest heartbreak, but its not going to happen. A few weeks from now, Cubs Inc will announce yet another ticket price increase, and everyone will piss and moan, but come February, the same people will be paying through the nose to the scores of ticket brokers who have cornered the market for Cubs tickets. The previous two years of playoff embarrassments, or the other 98 years of playoff futility won’t matter, nor will it matter that the Cubs will stand by and watch idly as the other big market clubs sopp up the best free agents on the market. The more this team loses, the more popular it gets.
Other teams in a similar position would feel the need to hold off on ticket price increases, sign big free agents, and issue mea culpas to placate their angry fans. Not the Cubs- they know that there are no consequences for failure in Cubbieland. Alfonso Soriano, the Cubs left fielder, who made $14,000,000 this year, and was 1-14 in the losing effort, reportedly said that Cubs fans need to” be patient.” This from the man whose idea of patience at the plate is not swinging if the ball is thrown into one of the dugouts.
Still, even if real Cubs fans decided to boycott the Wrigley carnival- even for a day- it wouldn’t matter, because Wrigley is stop number one for every tourist, conventioneer, and businessperson passing through town. Everyone wants a piece of the cliché- the posed photo in front of the Harry Caray statue, the overpriced warm cans of Miller Lite at Murphy’s Bleachers, the drunken sorority girls in the bleachers, and the 7th inning stretch sing along. If they don’t win it’s a shame, but it doesn’t matter much either, does it? So what is to be done about this, to borrow a phrase from the Iranian president, “stinking corpse” of a franchise? I would lobby for the following clauses to be added to Cubs players contracts.
After each losing season, players must do the following:
§ Remain in Chicago to suffer through the bitter winter amongst their angry and frustrated fans.
§ Volunteer as bar-backs in Wrigleyville bars, clearing away the detritus left behind by their embittered fans.
§ Donate a hefty portion of their fat salaries to mental health facilities that treat Cubs fans.
Feel free to add your own suggestions to this list.
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