I swear too much, and now my 23 month old son, Leo does too. I should be ashamed, but when I hear the words and see his angelic face, it’s awfully hard not to feel some pride. I’ve tried hard to curb my language in the presence of my son- but some people drive me over the edge. The other day I was on the phone with our health insurance company, Aetna, trying to renew a prescription. Believe me when I tell you that I would rather be a prisoner at Abu Ghraib circa 2004 than deal with Aetna regarding even the most trifling issue, and this instance was no different. The Aetna rep was trying to convince me- with all of the zeal of a Hitler Youth Group member- that my prescription- which is normally a $150 co-pay, should be $525. And 96 cents. At some point during our conversation, she elected to try to pawn me off on someone else. A common tactic for these types of scoundrels.
I listened to Bach for 35 minutes, preparing to battle with one of her colleagues, and then finally silence. Then the loud cacophony of that indescribable noise you hear when you’ve been disconnected. “F**K YOU!” I shouted into the receiver. Leo wasn’t in the room, but I was loud enough for him to hear me, and for the next hour or so, he sauntered around the house saying the same thing, but in a much cuter and provocative way. He’d say the first word like someone from South Boston, faahk, and would drag out the YOOOOOOOUUUUU, and then smile broadly, knowing that he was saying something naughty. Its funny, but when you strip away all of the customary anger from the phrase, and say it with a big smile, the words lose their normal connotation. My wife, Jen, however, was not nearly as amused by this as I was. We had to quarantine the boy in the house until he stopped saying it for fear that we’d lose custody of him when some over-officious soccer mom from our all too busybody neighborhood was told to f’ off by my charming 23 month old son.
On another recent occasion the word for the day was “bullshit.” Everything was “BOOOL-SHEEET!” It was so damn funny, I had to record the moment for posterity.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXOFQsEwAbI Even while the camera rolled my wife was telling him it wasn’t a good word to say. His response? “BULLSHIT!” I guess the pride that I feel in him is bizarre- and my poor parenting here is something that could come back to haunt us when he tries to send us his therapy bills as an adult. But for now, I’m OK with letting my son imitate some of my less than truly outstanding character traits. Though I have to admit the one trait of mine he apes which is not amusing is his picky eating. The boy's diet is about as diverse as a Klu Klux Klan meeting in North Dakota. Perhaps though, Leo will inspire me to eat better and clean up my act. But don’t f*!ing count on it.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Patrick bin Laden?
Sometimes cab drivers deserve a good beating. I don’t know if Jan Radecki- the Buffalo cab driver who was driving without a license after multiple DWI convictions when he was allegedly beaten by Blackhawks star Patrick Kane and his cousin, James- falls in the category of drivers who need beatings, but I do know that the local media here in Chicago has covered this story more aggressively than any major international news event in recent memory. We’re at war in Iraq and Afghanistan, and yet, you’d hardly know it from looking at the Chicago Tribune which ran the story front page above the fold on both the front and sports sections yesterday, with a huge blow up of Kane’s slightly sinister looking mug shot. You would think that young Kane had murdered someone, or at the very least had caused grave bodily injury. I've had my nose broken before (during gym class in 8th grade football) and I've gotten into a tussle with a cab driver, so I'm something of an authority on this topic.
There is no excuse for taking shots at anyone, other than self-defense, and the Kane boys obviously behaved boorishly no matter what the situation was. The truth, however, is that only three people know exactly what happened- the Kane boys and Jan Radecki- and it’s entirely possible that all three of them were intoxicated when the incident occurred. It seems clear that some kind of altercation occurred- but was it a savage beating or was it a scuffle? All we know for sure is that Radecki suffered a broken nose, but did not require hospitalization and seemed to be O.K. when he appeared on television. He obviously had a strong incentive to exaggerate the extent of the “beating” when he learned that Kane was a multimillionaire. His lawyer has now stated that the whole matter has been blown out of proportion, so maybe Radecki has already received or agreed upon the payoff that he wanted all along.
We don’t know Patrick Kane’s side of the story, but we do know that at least he had the good sense not to drive drunk- good sense that has apparently eluded Jan Radecki on multiple occasions. Let me return to my opening thesis that sometimes cab drivers deserve a beating. Once, while in traveling in China’s western Xinjiang region, I nearly got into a wrestling match with a cab driver myself, over what I later realized was over little more than $1. I had negotiated a flat price of 40 Yuan for a ride back to my hotel but when we arrived he tried to charge me 50, and when I balked, he peeled out and sped away from the hotel with me still in the back seat, cursing at me in Mandarin. He owed me 10 Yuan, and, on principal, I wanted it back, especially since giving substantial tips for cab rides is not customary in China.
I didn’t know what to do so I flung open one of the doors while he was driving and that spooked him, so he pulled back in front of the hotel and started yelling at me to get out of the cab from behind a protective cage that separated the front seats from the back ones. By then, I was furious and wanted my change, so I screamed back at him to give me the money and started violently rattling the cage-like barrier that separated us. The driver then began trying to poke me with a sharp pointer through the cage’s openings, and eventually I grabbed it and engaged in a tug of war with him for it. Soon enough someone from the hotel came out and took my side in the argument and got my money back for me.
But I must admit- if that barrier had not been there, I might have choked this guy in the heat of the dispute. True, I didn’t actually punch him, and I’m not a millionaire hockey player, but nonetheless, I can appreciate the fact that sometimes cab drivers are crooks, drunks, or even worse.
Let's face it- Jan Radecki is the luckiest cab driver in Buffalo. He had been operating illegally- no doubt struggling to make ends meet, and now he'll probably be able to retire with his payout. I'd take a broken nose for that. All of this doesn’t mean that Pat Kane is an angel or that he needs our sympathy. He had a few too many drinks and made some bad decisions- something pretty common for 20 year olds. He has already no doubt cost himself a fortune in lost endorsements, and he and his family have already suffered from the shame of this incident, but, from all accounts, Patrick is a good kid and deserves a chance at redemption. Maybe Jan Radecki does too, but you won’t find me getting in his cab anytime soon.
There is no excuse for taking shots at anyone, other than self-defense, and the Kane boys obviously behaved boorishly no matter what the situation was. The truth, however, is that only three people know exactly what happened- the Kane boys and Jan Radecki- and it’s entirely possible that all three of them were intoxicated when the incident occurred. It seems clear that some kind of altercation occurred- but was it a savage beating or was it a scuffle? All we know for sure is that Radecki suffered a broken nose, but did not require hospitalization and seemed to be O.K. when he appeared on television. He obviously had a strong incentive to exaggerate the extent of the “beating” when he learned that Kane was a multimillionaire. His lawyer has now stated that the whole matter has been blown out of proportion, so maybe Radecki has already received or agreed upon the payoff that he wanted all along.
We don’t know Patrick Kane’s side of the story, but we do know that at least he had the good sense not to drive drunk- good sense that has apparently eluded Jan Radecki on multiple occasions. Let me return to my opening thesis that sometimes cab drivers deserve a beating. Once, while in traveling in China’s western Xinjiang region, I nearly got into a wrestling match with a cab driver myself, over what I later realized was over little more than $1. I had negotiated a flat price of 40 Yuan for a ride back to my hotel but when we arrived he tried to charge me 50, and when I balked, he peeled out and sped away from the hotel with me still in the back seat, cursing at me in Mandarin. He owed me 10 Yuan, and, on principal, I wanted it back, especially since giving substantial tips for cab rides is not customary in China.
I didn’t know what to do so I flung open one of the doors while he was driving and that spooked him, so he pulled back in front of the hotel and started yelling at me to get out of the cab from behind a protective cage that separated the front seats from the back ones. By then, I was furious and wanted my change, so I screamed back at him to give me the money and started violently rattling the cage-like barrier that separated us. The driver then began trying to poke me with a sharp pointer through the cage’s openings, and eventually I grabbed it and engaged in a tug of war with him for it. Soon enough someone from the hotel came out and took my side in the argument and got my money back for me.
But I must admit- if that barrier had not been there, I might have choked this guy in the heat of the dispute. True, I didn’t actually punch him, and I’m not a millionaire hockey player, but nonetheless, I can appreciate the fact that sometimes cab drivers are crooks, drunks, or even worse.
Let's face it- Jan Radecki is the luckiest cab driver in Buffalo. He had been operating illegally- no doubt struggling to make ends meet, and now he'll probably be able to retire with his payout. I'd take a broken nose for that. All of this doesn’t mean that Pat Kane is an angel or that he needs our sympathy. He had a few too many drinks and made some bad decisions- something pretty common for 20 year olds. He has already no doubt cost himself a fortune in lost endorsements, and he and his family have already suffered from the shame of this incident, but, from all accounts, Patrick is a good kid and deserves a chance at redemption. Maybe Jan Radecki does too, but you won’t find me getting in his cab anytime soon.
Get Left in Samoa
Travel warning: probably best to avoid Samoa around September 7th,and possibly for sometime thereafter. The government of Samoa plans to switch the country’s road rules on that day at 6AM from drive on the right, to drive on the left. And you thought the U.S. government was f’ed up, right? Apparently, the Samoans are hoping to cater to Aussie and Kiwi tourists, who are used to driving on the left, and also hope to buy or get for free some of their second hand cars as well. Fair enough, but the problem is that some villages are saying they do not plan to honor the switch. http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/story/0,25197,25918978-12335,00.html
You can imagine the chaos that is likely to ensue. I also wonder what people who are already on the road, around say 5.45 AM on September 7th are supposed to do- start out in the right, and then watch the clock in order to move left at 6? Or perhaps no one is up by 6AM in Samoa? The Samoan government has declared a four day weekend to allow citizens to get used to the new rules- or perhaps to ensure that everyone will be out getting plastered the night before and will be sleeping in late on September 7th. I would honestly like to see Chicago suddenly declare that we too plan to start driving on the left on September 7th- only because a small part of me is an anarchist that would love to view- from afar, perhaps with binoculars or a telescope- the ensuing chaos. We'd market it as an attempt to attrack British tourists, but maybe we'd just encourage them to drive on the left, while the rest of us stay on the right. Just for shits and giggles mate.
You can imagine the chaos that is likely to ensue. I also wonder what people who are already on the road, around say 5.45 AM on September 7th are supposed to do- start out in the right, and then watch the clock in order to move left at 6? Or perhaps no one is up by 6AM in Samoa? The Samoan government has declared a four day weekend to allow citizens to get used to the new rules- or perhaps to ensure that everyone will be out getting plastered the night before and will be sleeping in late on September 7th. I would honestly like to see Chicago suddenly declare that we too plan to start driving on the left on September 7th- only because a small part of me is an anarchist that would love to view- from afar, perhaps with binoculars or a telescope- the ensuing chaos. We'd market it as an attempt to attrack British tourists, but maybe we'd just encourage them to drive on the left, while the rest of us stay on the right. Just for shits and giggles mate.
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