Do you Speak Fluent Hungarian, Macedonian, Dutch, Slovene, Bosnian and Spanish?

Looking for a job is frustrating, but also, at times, hillarious. Take for example, this advertisement (http://www.washingtonpost.com/wl/jobs/JS_JobSearchDetail?jobid=27889751&jobSummaryIndex=0&agentID=&xfeed=1&tid=244&wpmk=MK0000004&GCID=C17812x033-Other&keyword=no_keyword) for an analyst position at Georgetown University's Imaging Science and Information Center. Did you notice this kicker of a sentence: "Excellent writing skills in Hungarian, Dutch, Macedonian, Bosnian, Slovenian, Spanish, and excellent communication skills, and self-motivation are required." OK, I think I have the communication skills and self-motivation part covered- and i feel fairly confident that anyone that speaks all of those languages is fairly self-motivated and has communication skills- but is there any human being on earth that can speak all of these disparate languages? There are definitely Macedonians who can also speak Bosnian and Slovene, and vice versa- but can those people also speak Dutch, Hungarian and Spanish? And are they looking for a low paying job at Georgetown University?

Cover Letter

Here is my cover letter for a job I applied for recently.


Carl Spackler
329 Indigent Oaks Ln.
Intercourse, PA 19654
Tel: (315) 333-4014
E-mail: Carl.Spackler@gmail.com

April 7, 2008


Colorado State University


Dear Sir or Madam,

Please consider this letter as application for the Weed Control Crew Leader position currently available as advertised on the Colorado State website. (http://www.colostate.edu/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/cwis202/db.cgi?db=jobs&uid=staff&categories=Professional%3A%20General%2FArts%2FTechnicians&sb=10&so=descend&view_records=1&nh=1&mh=1) While I have no formal training or scholarship in the field of weed control, I have been picking weeds, on an ad hoc basis for nearly thirty years now, with some degree of success. I also watch the Showtime program “Weeds” on a regular basis, and have a copy of the Bob Marley "Legend" disc.

Your ad states that you wanted someone with “three years of technical work experience in controlling the growth and spread of noxious weeds.” As I said before, I have been controlling noxious weeds for years, and have also been cultivating other types of weeds in my garage for recreational purposes. (i.e. smoking) I should mention that I have also seen the movie “Caddyshack” many times, and have studied the weed and gopher control techniques implemented by Bill Murray’s character, the country club groundskeeper.

The ad also states that you want someone that is “willing and able to lift up to 50 lbs”. I can go you one better- I can lift up a woman that weighs up to 200 pounds- and, for the purpose of the this position, I would be willing to lift at least 100 pounds no sweat, assuming I am sober and in an accommodating frame of mind. (I do suffer from extreme mood swings and have been known to get really angry when people tell me to do things, but only really occasionally)

As far as my salary history goes, I used to get about $5 a day for picking weeds for my parents, but that was a long time ago, so with inflation, I’d say that I should be making at least enough to be able to buy a dime bag per day. I would welcome the opportunity to discuss how my weed picking experience, knowledge of noxious and smokable weeds, and willingness to work on the cheap make me an ideal candidate for this job. Please call me and let's talk about weed control.


Sincerely,

Carl Spackler