The Hazards of Public Transportation in Chicago

When I used to work in sales, I had no option but to drive to and from work, and I used to dream of a less stressful commute aboard public transportation. I had visions of a nice comfortable seat, perhaps some music or a podcast playing on my ipod, and a morning paper or a good book to brighten my mood on my way into work or home. These days I commute via the “L” , Chicago’s T, tube, subway, whatever you prefer to call it, and I can confirm that my earlier notions of public transport bliss were woefully naïve.

First of all, for those who drive, its easy to forget that there is a reason why the word “public” appears pretty prominently in the phrase “public transportation.” If you aren’t particularly fond of the public I can’t really recommend public transportation, because riding the rails exposes one to the unwashed masses and all of the problems that arise when trying to cope with mankind’s irritating habits. These days, there are a hell of a lot of people using public transportation, and on any one el car you are likely to encounter the following types of people and situations:



1. Cell phone users- I understand the occasional need to make phone calls while riding the L, but when people are crammed into close quarters, is it really necessary to have LENGTHY conversations at a volume so loud, that everyone in the nearby vicinity is unable to concentrate on their book, magazine or newspaper? The other day, I was within about two feet of a woman that was practically screaming in Russian, no less, into her cell phone for the entire length of my ride- 30- minutes. In fact, when we arrived at the final stop on the line, where I got out, she sat still in her seat and continued to scream into her phone. No amount of dirty looks or audible sighs diminished her volume in any way. I imagine that she continued her performance for those boarding the train and heading back into the city. It’s even worse when the offenders- who are usually, though not always women- are speaking English. “She said what?” “that bitch!” “he wasn’t copied on the e-mail? That’s bullshit- she’s always cc’ing my boss whenever I do anything wrong!” I can’t tell you how frequently I am subjected to these kinds of conversations and have to give up on whatever book I am trying to read. Last week I encountered a man, old enough to know better, who was- get this- hollering into his cellphone while it was on speakerphone on a very crowded train. So we were all subjected not only to his inane ramblings, but the equally inspid retorts of the woman he was speaking to.
2. Mobile DJ’s- There was once a time in our history when, if you wanted to inflict your taste in music on others, you had to carry around a massive ghetto blaster, but today all you need is an ipod nano and you can subject half a train car full of people to your horrific taste in music. I notice that people who like to blast music in their headphones like to sit down next to someone like me that has his nose buried in a book, rather than sitting next to the cell phone users. You can give them all the dirty looks you want, you can even cover your ears ostentatiously, but they aren’t going to lower their music.
3. Space invaders- No delicate way to put this- public transport is getting more and more crowded, but people’s asses aren’t getting any less gigantic. But do those with ass cheeks so spacious that they take up 1.5 seats, choose to stand? Hell no.
4. Captive Audiences- There are lots of people on the L in Chicago that are: a) “just trying to get something to eat”, b) “here to tell you that the Lord Jesus Christ is your savior, or c) “trying to raise money for their church/school/drug habit by selling these delicious M & M’s”
5. When the hell will the train leave?- I’ve been studying the pattern of when the L comes and goes in the morning on the green and blue lines each day for the last several weeks, each morning I jot down what time my train actually departs from the station. I can now conclude, with a reasonable degree of accuracy, that there is absolutely no pattern whatsoever.
6. Should I run to catch it or walk?- Each morning that I take the green line into the city, I am faced with a choice as I get up to the platform- should I run, jog, or walk towards the train? For some unknown reason, the train, which starts at my station and is usually sitting idle when I get there, is always parked a very long way down the platform. There is only a very brief chime before the doors close and one never knows when that can happen, so you can be nonchalant and stroll down the platform towards the train, but you might be standing there as the doors shut in your face. Or you can run and look like a jackass when you board the train, out of breath, and then just sit there for 10 minutes while the doors remain wide open. The choice is up to you.
7. We appreciate your patience- CTA (Chicago Transit Authority) is constantly telling you how much they “appreciate your patience” at the most inopportune times. I find that whenever I am cursing the damn, mother&*^&*^&*(^! train, I am usually being thanked for being so patient.